Discouragement and Encouragement

I'll start off with the bad and then end with the good. Here goes for the discouragement...

This is probably one of the most discouraging things that I have ever done in my life. Constantly, I am surrounded by poverty and brokenness and people who are faced with indestructible barriers, whatever they may be from uncontrollable things such as language, disabilities, and domestic violence to more controlable things such as bad credit, criminal records, and addiction. Each day I have anywhere from 3-6 schedule appointments, but every day, at least one client doesn't come. There was even one day where I had 5 clients scheduled, and only one actually came. I can't even imagine some of the reasons why people don't show up to their appointments, but it could be anything from unreliable public transportation, not having enough money to pay for the public transportation, not feeling like they deserve help, or just being so overwhelmed by their situation that if one more thing goes wrong, it makes things spin out of control and they can't make it to their appointments.

It is also very discouraging sometimes because I have only been exposed to all of the resources in the social service world for about 3 weeks now. There is no way that I can know how to handle every situation or know the right resources to suggest because the truth is that I probably don't even know 10% of the resources available because there are so many things out there. I actually recently was working with two men who are homeless and just moved to the Boston area, and they wanted help finding an apartment and were staying in a shelter. We spent a whole meeting looking for apartments that they could rent, but I did not realize that since they have bad credit and don't really have stable jobs right now that there is no way that they would be able to rent a market-rate apartment. I then began looking into transitional programs for them (which is kind of like a shelter but the people can stay there for a longer term and they usually recieve a case worker who will work with them specifically in their situation from the program). The frustrating thing as well is that nothing is going to happen overnight. There are so many processes that need to be gone through that getting public housing or subsidized housing or even SRO (Single Room Ocupancy - where you basically just rent a room - they have some of these a places such as the YMCA or YWCA) could take months or even years! To get utility assistance or rental assistance it could take a month to find out, if the organization isn't already out of money. There are so many steps to take and there are so many people who need services that everything gets backed up and takes forever, but clients are expecting things to go a lot faster. Those two gentlemen that I was helping actually e-mailed me the other day basically wanting to tell me that I seem to not care about them because I don't express an urgency and couldn't care less if they get of the streets... I was kind of taken aback by that statement because I am probably the nicest/most caring case worker that they will ever have - because all other case workers are so overworked and are jaded from their experiences. I kindly responded by saying that I am sorry they feel that way, but explained that there are definitely processes that must be followed, and I don't understand the longevity of it either. Needless to say... they haven't been back... but maybe they will... who knows?

Despite all of the discouragement, I have also been greatly encouraged by my time here: Here are a few examples.

My first weekend, I was in New Haven visiting Corey, so didn't get to attend church in Boston, but my 2nd weekend here I went to the Vineyard church here in Boston (which is about a 30 minute commute on public transportation, so by no means near my house) and met a family that lives 4 houses down from me. Pretty amazing! Then, they invited me to come over to their house on Wednesday morning before work for a prayer group that they have with some people who live in the area. Last Wednesday morning, I went there and met another couple who lives 3 houses down in the other direction and across the street. Then, Wednesday, I had one of my most discouraging days yet at work. 1/5 clients actually came that day, and I felt like the job was totally worthless because not only did I feel like I was only helping clients minimally when we had meetings, but how could I even help at all if no one even showed up? And it got me thinking... well, why aren't they showing up? Do they think that I am doing a bad job? Or that I don't actually want to try to help them? Or I am not qualified to help them? etc. Anyways, after work, I went to Jamaica Pond (a pond/lake 4 blocks from my house with a walking path, kind of a community gathering place, and for runners, etc.) to sit on a bench a read. I was so frustrated/angry as I was sitting there reading, and as I was reading, the couple that I had met that morning who lived on my street saw me and came up to talk. They asked me how I was doing, and all I could say was "terrible," and the woman looked at me and just said, "you can cry if you want," and I just started crying, and the encouragement about my following Christ and doing great work that I may not see the results, and about how much God was changing me through this experience, and how I was experiencing the brokenness of the poor just started pouring out from them, and after we talked, they prayed for me, not that everything get better, but for God to work in me to have a deeper understanding for those I am working with and for God to change my heart and allow me to follow him more. From that experience, I know that God is taking care of me. Somehow God orchestrated everything that I went to the Vineyard, met a lady who knew the people who lived on my street, she introduced them to me, they invited me over, I meet the other couple, who then sees me at the park, and stops to ask how I am doing.

Another very encouraging thing that has happened to me through the Vineyard as well. As a back story, my freshmen year I was very hurt and subsequently hardened the healing and God's power to heal. I don't remember what was wrong, but something happened my freshmen year where people prayed for me and I didn't get healed and they told me that it was my lack of faith. Needless to say, from that point on, I just kind of gave up asking for God's healing because I came to the realization that if God wanted to heal me, he would, regardless of whether I asked for it or not, and if he didn't heal me, it was because he had something for me to learn from it. Anyways, at Vineyard churches, they do this thing where the prayer team prays before the service and they ask God to give them insight into specific things that they should pray for for people, which include a lot of physical things, a lot of emotional things, and even things that people are dealing with spiritually. My first week here, I was experiencing a lot of stress from moving to a new place, starting a new job, getting to know all new people, etc., so I had been experiencing a headache all week. The first week when they were reading all of the things they felt like they should pray for people about, one thing was a headache... so I'm thinking could be coincidence, I am sure there are more people than just me who has a headache... but I really felt like I should go and get prayed for about the headache, so I did, and my headache went totally away, and I haven't had a headache since and its been a week and a half. I didn't really think much of that experience until this week, the 2nd Sunday that I went to the Vineyard church. After the sermon, before the worship time, someone went up to read off the things they felt like they should pray for for people. The first thing that they said was "someone who has stiffness or pain in their RIGHT knee from a surgery," and I was like..... why don't they just call out my name? For those of you who don't know, I had surgery on my knee 3 1/2 years ago, and it is still stiff and painful and I haven't really been able to run for years. I just kind of sat there stunned for a minute, and all of the feelings and emotions that I had about asking for healing came rushing back to me, about how I was hardened from the experience my freshmen year, but realized that through the healing of my headache that God was beginning to break me, and through basically calling my name - and picking something that I surely was the only person in the room (there were probably only 150 people) who needed prayer for that issue. Anyways, so after getting grips of myself, I went to the prayer room, and I ended up talking to the girl who had the vision of someone's right knee being stiff and painful. I talked to her about how I had been hardened from that experience my freshmen year, and I think that God is trying to break me and soften my heart, and really just allow me to be redeemed from that experience, and be able to ask for healing with any strings attached - with the knowledge that I may or may not be healed and that it is up to God and what he has for me, but that if I am not healed, it is not my fault, it is just that I have other things to learn from that experience. So at this point, it doesn't matter to me if my knee is healed or not because this part of my life regardless is being redeemed and restored, so then, she begins to pray for healing. She prays for healing for the situation and then she kneels down and begins to hold on to my knee as she is praying for healing. I didn't feel this but she said as she was praying she could feel the blood pumping through my knee. After she prayed, she asked how it felt, and if it felt any better, and at that point, I couldn't really tell because it didn't really hurt too bad at the time, but I said I would let her know. Anyways, later that day, I went running... needless to say, I haven't been able to run for about 4 years now, so EVERYTHING hurt... but my knee. I don't remember my knee hurting at all. I mean, I don't know if I am healed... or if it is something that will take a process (since I could only run for 1-2 minutes at a time without walking for 1-2 minutes in between... not for being out of shape, but because my muscles/tendons are not used to that motion anymore)... I think it will become clearer as time goes on if God did actually heal my knee from this situation or if he used the situation to heal me of past hurts.

I hope this informs you some of my situation. This is very long, so I won't write anymore, but please keep reading. I probably will try to update sooner. I just didn't want to be a total "debbie downer" for you all to read. I wanted to have a redemptive experience to share. I hope you enjoyed hearing about my experience. Please if you read this, say a prayer or send me a message of encouragement. I need it.